Memories

memories are to look back on, smile, appreciate the good and allow it to give hope for the future.. not to be dwelled on too long or they have the tendency to try creep into the present...& make you sad instead. There is a reason they are called memories..otherwise the present will pass by and the future will never get a chance...

Do you remember....

When I arrived, and I admitted I only ate,

ceaser salad and pasta.

When I was amazed at the Falouka and sat on the balcony

and just watched them all go by.

When Hamoudi and I discovered the balcony,

and you me and him sat there for about four

hours discussing life.

When we went to Starbucks at 7am, and

that guy followed us home?

When Pete and I used to argue, and

your grandma STILL thought we were brother

and sister.

The booty dance, hamoudi's booty dance,

that I missed because I was so drunk I collapsed on

my bed.

When me, you, Pete and Hamoudi

tried to sleep in a bed, and failed?

When we had that redbull shisha?

When you, you know ;)

THE PYRAMIDS, when I cried,

THE PHARONIC VILLAGE, when I cried,

Our AMAZING roadtrips, when Salma

nearly killed us, and me you and moodi

were unaware of our ever nearing fate,

because we were eating BN's!

When you and I snuck in to on the run

and bought loads of red bull, and no one knew.

On Sudi's birthday, when we emptied

on the run's supply of sweets for his present,

and still managed to buy red bull.

TRUTH OR DARE; on the falouka :|

bad times or what?

Our silly amounts of falouka rides, shisha

and cigarettes.

On the beach, when I got really sun burnt,

playing have you ever, and me and you had

no fingers left.

Our boob walk around Sharm,

the birthday cake that Pete never ate.

I miss you Sara El-Sayeh,

I miss how you and I used to chat about absolutely everything, how our chats always used to happen with a cup of coffee in one had and a cigarette in the other. How when we used to argue we used to forget that we were then make jokes. I miss waking up in the morning, and hearing your voice, I miss our balcony chats, out boob walk and the chicken dance, I miss making fun of Hamoudi's aunts' dance.

I miss Sequoia, when they had no ceaser salad, and Lucilles, where they also had no ceaser salad. I miss the noise, the hustle and bustle of your house.

I love you!

Happy Birthday, to my beautiful cousin!

Happy Birthday, beautiful.

You deserve to be the most spoilt, happiest girl today, after the year you've had.

Sending you birthday wishes, and hugs, and kisses 6,000 miles away, in England!

Iloveyou!

Happy birthday, happy birthday
Happy birthday my dear friend
Because you have lived am better.

I never meant to hurt you...

"this is what we used to be, this is what it's meant to be"

Family; RELATED PEOPLE [group] a group of people who are related to each other, such as a mother, a father, and their children

I miss you

somethings missing?

I hate this, when you've missed someone so much, like so much it hurts, ever had that feeling? You put all your heart, all your soul and all the willpower you have left inside you into moving on. You do it, and you finally start to feel happy again, and they just walk back in, and say the things they used to say, and do the things they used to do, they wear the same clothes, smell the same, look the same...and all the hard work goes, and you're left, absolutely heartbroken again, because you're so in love with that person, and you want things to go back to how they were.

Deep down, you know, that things will never go back, because they were never really there. You know that all the things he said were a lie, and all the things he did were wrong, but you can't help but love him.

You tell your heart to move on and your head to let go but your feet stay firmly rooted to that spot, and you're screaming and shouting, tears streaming down your face and you're secretly wishing him to walk through the door and scoop you up in his arms and tell you everythings going to be okay.

love hurts...

and you want it to go back, like so much? and your friends don't understand, and your best friend is his best friend, and well...all your friends are his friends. and he moves on, and then leaves you there, making you look stupid. You find yourself thinking about him, all the time, and then talking about them. Then people realise and you look like an idiot because then they all tease you.

you tell me

RESPECT?!

"In order to gain someones respect you have to respect them also."

You see, everyone in this world wants to be treated like an adult, I do, everyone does. It's the most patronising thing to be constantly treated like you're five years old.
Like others I got taught to "treat people how you'd want to be treated" by my parents, I did have problems when I was younger, I got bullied, but then I grew up, and realised there was no point in cowering in a corner pretending to be innocent, I gave as good as I got, and I got my reputation back. I was NEVER a bully, and I will always stick to that. Bullies, in my eyes are insecure, emotionally unstable people. I know a few, but to be honest, I don't hate them, I feel sorry for them.
I was always very lucky in my upbringing, my parents came from very strict backgrounds and were both taught to work for what they wanted, both parents were in the RAF for a number of years, thus making them good employees in the future, my dad then went on to be a bank manager and my mum his P.A.
I was spoilt, I always got what I wanted, much to my mothers dismay. Then, seven years ago, on the 4th July my father was ripped away from me. I remember those words my mother had to say to me "Jennifer, I'm sorry but daddy's gone to heaven." That was the most hardest, most heartbreaking time of my life, I was nine years old and was definatly a daddy's girl.
Seven years on, I'm 16, my mum has worked as hard as she possible can, and we have the life we want, we have worries, and troubles, but so does everyone, but we work through it, as a family.

I remember, one of my CWO's chats to us about respect, his words were; "In order to gain someones respect you have to respect them also." he was right, there's no point doing you utmost to repsect someone when they just treat you like rubbish, some people need to learn that, and I'm just grateful that I learnt that at 16 and not later on. It's hard at times, no to go mental, I admit I have a temper, a very bad one at times, but it takes a lot to anger me, if I'm angry I go quiet, and if someone REALLY upsets me I shout, and a lot of other people do as well.
When I went to Egypt, it was a real eye opener, my cousin sara and I are both daddy's girls, Sara was closer to her Grandad Said, and when he died, she experienced some of the same feelings I did when my father died. I went to Egypt with Pete, my cousin, he's my uncles son, who died when I was ten, I felt that Pete and I could bond through this, evidently not, for the whole holiday we fought, when we got back we fought and the only way to stop this was to completely remove him from my life, I had no say in this decision, and it breaks my heart to have had to do it, but there are people in my life who have been there for me through all my hard times and those people are the ones that really matter.
Don't get me wrong, I love Pete, he's my family, and I hate how we argue, but sometimes it's for the best, and for the benefit for the rest of the family that some people cut all ties. It was hard for me to do, but it had to be done. I'll say no more on the subject.
My family are a close knit family, although my brother and I fight, we still love eachother, if one of us is in trouble we're there for eachother, my mum and I are close, and have grown closer since my father died. We argue, but we love eachother, that's all that matters.
One thing that my mother always taught me is "to treat people how you'd like to be treated" and still to this day I do. However, if someone is rude to me, calls me something horrible or generally treats me like a child then I give as good as I get, and I'm not afraid to say that.
I got told once, that "you're 16, you're too young to have an oppinion". An age is just a number, your maturity affects your real age. That's what I think, and so I don't appreciate being told that.

My trip to Egypt changed me, there was one person who definatly changed my views on things. Chatting with him made me realise that I should have more faith in myself, I knew things he didn't, in a non patronising way he asked me questions and made me feel wanted. Through our chats, and the time we spent together we formed a friendship which, I hope will last a long time.
My time in Egypt is a time I'll never forget, and the arguments, and the lies are just that persons way of saying he's jelous.

this picture represents the four cousins; the one's that love eachother the most <3

Change

Today, the person who means the most to me, told me what I was really like. The moment I read the message, I knew, that to salvage whatever remains of a friendship that we had left, I'd have to change.

I wanted some advice, so I spoke to my mum, "it will never work you live too far away", I have a hope, that maybe, we can remain friends until I'm old enough. It seems wierd, I'm 16 and I wish wish WISH that I was older, I'm fed up of being treated like a 5 year old.

When I first realised my feelings, I prayed, a lot. I couldn't make sense of how I was feeling, I'd never felt this way, and I didn't know if I liked it or not. Now I wish that I'd embraced the situation more, I did like him, and now Im back he seems distant and seems to have forgotten about me.

Every moment I shared with him I treasured and I long to have those moments again. So this is it, NEW ME!

no more lies

no more gossip

no more 16 year old Jen.

done.

Life...

Get well soon Sara

Sometimes I wish that people would just stop, turn around and think about the people they've hurt and the trouble that they've caused.

I wish that when they accuse someone of causing trouble or talking about them, that they would think about WHY they're talking about them.

I wish that sometimes they'd extract themselves from their own point of view, and look at somebody elses. Because then I think they'd realise how it really feels to be hurt.

I admit I can be a rude person, I lose my temper and YES i get angry...but who doesn't. I hate it when people turn around and blame every single little thing on you, just because deep down they know there in the wrong.

I hate how one persons action, can ruin the whole families relationship.

I don't know why, but lately I just feel that somethings not quite right, that somethings happening and a few of us won't be told about it. In fact, I know it is. And I'm angry, because I know the person who's doing it, is doing it because I made them look like a fool.

I don't really know what to do, or say, because anything I say gets twisted, and turned into a massive scandal that I've apparantly caused, and I hate how people seem to think they can say anything to me, because I'm younger. At the end of the day, surely the people who are lying are the one's who should be punished.

This is really random, and just my thoughts today.

just for you, because I miss you...

love love love

You know you are in love

when you see the world in his eyes,

and his eyes everywhere in the world.

new month, new me, new start?

i need something to focus on, so I can move on and let you go and stop hurting. When I left you I cried, and I believed, I really believed I could make it work...but I can't. Like you said. It wouldn't work.

URGH!

I MISS YOU!

I can't help but think how easy it must be for the people I left, I mean...I left my mum, my brother and my home for three weeks, and joined another family...new surroundings, new people, new everything. I remember that feeling of genuine fear as I got off the aeroplane. I just wanted to cry, but I did it, and for three weeks I had the time of my life. All the people, all the sounds, all the smells everything, and then suddenly, I'm ripped away from the person who changed me, from the people who I love so so much and taken home.

It was then, when I first felt what it was like to genuinely have your heart broken, and it wasn't through some one's selfishness, or of an malicious manner, it was because I love those people so so much, and I know that it's a six hour flight, £300 and a hell of a lot of time off work is needed to go and see them.

I was ripped away from that bubble I was in and put on an aeroplane, and there, when the noise of the house, of the roads and of the people was gone, was when I realized the amazing people I'd just left. And it was just me, that makes it so much harder, no one who I'm close to is here for me to share my memories with, because they didn't see it, they didn't experience it, and they didn't meet that guy. They didn't see what happened to me, how I'd changed, and now I'm back, they keep saying they want Jen back, but I am Jen, this is me. I'm different.

But for them, they left me, then they went home, back to the surroundings that they didn't leave, with everyone except for me. Surely it was easier for them? I hate how we can't share anything anymore, how we can't go on random trips to spend time together.

I miss waking up to the sound of the A.C, i miss waking up to the sound of someone opening the DAMN BATHROOM DOOR! I miss opening the shutters and being blinded by the sun, going on the balcony to have those chats, being the first one to check their facebook in the morning, teasing Salma (my cousin), making her wait two hours whilst I have my nails done, watching Sara have her hair done; and being jealous of her insane beauty, whilst I sit there hiding behind my make up and the fake smile that only he could see through. I miss the arguments, not mine, but there's, I don't know why. I just miss them. SO MUCH. and it hurts. It hurts that I have to come online to communicate with them, that it's so expensive to talk on the phone and that letters cost too much and take too long to send.

This probably gives you the impression that all I do is complain, I don't.

here's what I enjoyed about Egypt.

waking up to Saeed whispering "good morning Jefrexx, my daughter", walking into the lounge to see one of the kids zonked out on the sofa, smelling Nana cooking/setting fire to the bread, fighting with the girls over who gets to use the fast laptop, getting the Jonas Brothers stuck in my head, random visits to Starbucks, rolling my eyes over Sara; "omg why don't we go..." " NO SARA"!, being force fed BN's and chocolate so I'd be happy, when really I was so happy that if I showed it, I'd look like a Cheshire cat :P, NAMA BAY <3>

Just being with the people, made me so happy, just hearing their voices, and smelling their smells, walking into a shower of Vera Wang princess perfume after Sara had walked out of the house. Shouting "HELLO" at all the random men who said stuff to me. Burping just to see the look on Salma's face and to hear her say "ewww Jen you're so vulgar". I could go on for hours, for days, maybe even months talking about how amazing it was. Now I'm back home, in the cold, in the rain and in a place were I really don't want to be right now, and I feel bad because I'm not the same person that I was when I left, and I don't want to be that person again.

But Sara and I have a plan!!!

August is going to be AMAZING!

it will be, I'm working so I'll have money $$ and I'm going to soul survivor, a place where 10 000 other Christians go to worship for a week...I missed God when I was away, I felt awkward praying in a place where another religion was being practiced. It was hard, very hard. It was hard not being able to express myself properly, I had so much anger. SO MUCH ANGER, i got home and screamed, and screamed and screamed some more. I guess I was harbouring that in even before I left.

WOW I REALLY DID WRITE AN ESSAY!!

this blog, and this particular post is for all of the people I met in Egypt, for all my cousins to read, whenever they want, whenever they feel comfortable. So they can see how I feel, how I felt and how much I LOVE THEM :)

My First Post.

wow...

my first ever post...my first ever blog. I actually don't know where to start.

The past five weeks have been MENTAL, seriously, I received a friend request from a cousin who I hadn't seen or spoken to in ten years, then her sister added me, then her other sister, then her mum. The week after that my cousin and I were on a plane from London to Egypt. About to embark on one of the greatest and most memorable adventures ever.

Three weeks of spending every waking moment with them made us all so close, of course there was drama, there's always drama isn't there?

The photo was taken on our last day, probably the hardest good bye I've ever had to make, and boy did it hurt! I honestly don't think I've ever cried that much, I knew I'd be sad, but it felt like my heart was breaking and I honestly think it did. In two maybe? On piece came with me...and one stayed in Egypt with them!

The holiday, should I call it a holiday? More of a trip, was the most amazing experience and one that I WILL be having again. Next year. Our all nighters, our balcony chats, creeping around so we didn't wake anyone up, our 7am Starbucks visit, fighting for the laptops, the toilet door that woke EVERY ONE up whenever someone moved it, the falouka rides, the truth or dare disaster, watching the sun rise at the beach, THAT SUNSET. The laughs, the 47325095894032 packets of cigarettes that we smoked, the beer on the beach, the snorkelling.

I could go on for hours, I loved it so much. The people, the place, EVERYTHING. I want to go back, so so so much. Better start saving up...

Well that's all for now, I really could go on for ages.

I miss you :(

take me there?